Mistakes we're judged by

Sometimes we're caught in the middle of something and it winds up looking worse than what actually happened. I'm thinking about several events in my life where I was able to actually explain what happened, getting pulled over for speeding and explaining the circumstances; having a late assignment and again letting the teacher know that you tried to turn it in on time but couldn't and several others. 

On the other hand, there are some instances where I had no excuse. I think back to a fight in 5th grade. I was riding bikes with my best friend and out of nowhere I just pushed a guy off his bike. It was an evenly matched fight - 2 on 2, or as they saw it one on one. I don't know what made my push that guy, probably machismo but I did it and they saw it and I have no excuses. And I'm to this day judged by that mistake. 

I never make claims to be a perfect person, but I did somewhere expect that with education would come wisdom, this "common sense" thing that has always eluded me. There's a saying that I learned along the way, "why do you make the simple things difficult and the difficulty things simple." For so much of my life, that has been the case. Then I set on a mission of learning this common sense. 

So I read books, listened to music and tried to get whatever courses I could in "street smarts". Above all else though, I saw others who had personalities like mine and thought "am I this annoying?" So without really changing much, I just decided to try to be silent more. This would lead to me writing things down more, asking less questions in public spaces, being less divisive and less poetic, unless that poem is a line from a well known one. These are just a few rules I established for myself for social settings. 

The thing is, they were working. Well, while I was single. In grad school, I always had research so my mind was occupied with that not Obama vs Clinton. I was able to continue this same line of social settings until I got married. 

Now, I have a wife and children who want to be the center of attention. So I can't just sit quietly in the back and look ar my notebook commenting here and there, they want me to participate, or at least engage them. In top of that they want me to speak clearly, which is difficult because I stutter. I try to skirt the edges like including them in my research, varying the research question I'm asking, teaching them different things from my research but it's difficult to find this happy place where I can exist with all my likes and my family. 

So then we get to my title if this post. I make a mistake. Well, I make a choice and that choice is a mistake. It's not like I made any critical mistake like anything violent or abandon my family. I wish I had the relationship with my wife where we could just laugh at our mistakes, but she acts like she doesn't make mistakes. And I don't stress over then and it's not in my personality to, I just try to help do what I can to fix them. She doesn't give me the same leniency and it's frustrating. 

I finish working 8 hours and some days are tougher than others but most days I'm on my feet for 8 hours. This is my choice so that I don't fall asleep, but it's still true. Then when I get home, my kids want to play baseball or tennis with me. My wife is quick to tell me I don't have to go to even that they can play by themselves, but then they will stay glued to the TV. So the way to get my kids off the couch is me playing with them outside. Maybe it could be her, but I've never seen her do it, so I wouldn't know. 

But these aren't the mistakes, these are the ones I can excuse if we ever sat in front of a marriage counselor. I'm thinking about one thing in particular, but there are many more. Thing is, being a father is a new thing. And even that is an excuse. I make mistakes. What's tiring is that every time I make a mistake, I have to hear my scroll off mistakes, it's like I will vow to never sin s again to never have to hear this list. I have have listed a list like this against my wife. 

Then it's the days and days of silence like, I know I've messed up. Can't you at least console me. Can you try to comfort me. But instead I turn to exercise and music and maybe research because she's giving me the cold shoulder. The other night it was so cold in this house that I just wanted to go for a drive and the only thing that kept me in the house is the fear of getting robbed.